Talking To Myself

I Mean Business

2007-04-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

Well hello there intranet friends. It's been a while. You know it, I know it, it should almost be expected.

A lot has happened though so I'll give you a short summary of the last few months and go into a little more detail about the last month or because as Jr might say, "business has just picked up!!!"

I was kicked out of my dad's house, well not kicked out but semi-forced out by the annoying stupid bitch that he plans on marrying. When our dinnertime tv show goes from the national news to "Reba" based solely upon the fact that my dad's lady friend likes it better, that's when I cut bait and find a new spot to fish if you know what I mean. I then moved into an apartment with my mom, which was awesome aside from one simple fact, the occupants of the apartment below us just so happened to be my selfish, stingy, heartless, conniving sister; along with her retard asshole boyfriend and his dumb as a dog's ass little girls. Two little girls, and not only are they dumb, they are straight up creepy. Like children of the corn creepy. *shivers*

So, long story short I was just about to weeks ago kicked out (suprise, suprise) of that residence and am now living with my brother. I live in the basement which is nice enough to live in, but will be much nicer when I have the money to renovate it. I'm still working at my McDonald's job but I'm finding ways on the side to compensate for the lack of money that seems to create itself when you work at any place that starts with 'Mc' but I'm still chuggin.

Now the important stuff. The last two weeks. Living with my brother I now live on the east side of Bay City rather than the west side, and I grew up and made a lot of friends on the east side that I through the years had lost touch with. I made sure to re-tie those bonds as quickly as possibly especially with my boy Chris Weiler. Best friends since diapers he and I, and still get along just as perfectly as we ever have. I went over to see if he was home and the whole family was there bbq-ing and playing cards and whatnot so I sat up there a while, caught up with everyone, and then we went to play some pick up games at a middle school that's just a few blocks away.

Now as we were talking and catching up, each of us just seeing what the other had been up to and such he mentioned that he had started a label, Double Up Records, and he makes his own beats, writes his own lyrics, he can freestyle, pretty much he can do it all and has been doing so for about a year now. He has a semi-studio in his apartment which is comprised of an insulated closet with the microphone and pop screen standing in it a.k.a the recording booth, he makes his beats with Fruity Loops and records with Sony Acid Studio.

So we got done playing basketball and he said he was gonna go home and do some recording and I asked if I came over and checked it out; his reply, "No doubt, shit I might even put your ass in the booth." Now that's where it all began. that night I wrote the first hook I've ever written, wrote the first verse I've ever written and for the first time in my life began recording my own song. It's an addiction with an unspeakable power. And then to work so hard on something and to hear yourself and to hear it sound good (it sounds good to me at least) is so far beyond satisying that it's just an unfathomable build up of confidence and pride and joy and....jubilation almost.

So now I rap. I am a member of Double Up Records. I know it's a one in a billion shot that I blow up and become a famous rapper and blah blah blah but I want it, and I'm going to get it at all costs. Like my song says,

Bitch I'm here to stay, whether you like it or not
I might be startin at the bottom but I'm risin' to the top
I'll punch holes through the chest of any haters tryin'a stop
I told you once I'll tell you twice, Big Kris ain't about to stop

Here is the label myspace link:

http://www.myspace.com/dubuprecords

It's very barebeones right now, I know, I know, but I'm working on it. We've only got the one song up there but I'm also working on that right now as well. Just a little info on the song, the intro and second verse were written and performed by my boy Chris who also made the beat. I wrote and performed the hook, the first verse, and the outro of the song. Just wanted you all to know which voice was mine because you'll be hearing a lot more of it.

Now I'll end here but I will ask a favor of all of you. Let me know your 100% honest opinion of any work that I put up on that page or that I put up here or that I might send you via some other internet program, we're ramping up how much we write and record becuase we are working on a mixtape for the summer as well as a CD which will be 100% our beats, our lyrics, all us. Now, if you would like to help myself and Double Up Records out you could send me a friend request, and if you are feeling really generous putting it in your top 4,8, 23, 567, or whatever it may be so that people will see it and be more likely to click it and hear it, it would be beyond greatly appreciated.

That's all for now. I'll be talking to you all very soon.

Neglect

2006-12-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't spent much time with you lately, but don't worry you aren't the only one. I haven't sat down and played a significant amount of any game in at least two weeks. It makes me a little bit sad, but then I have to remember why this is. I have a gorgeous, smart, funny, sexy girl that has been keeping me more than occupied lately.

And besides that, my dick has been neglected for 20 years already. You can handle a couple of weeks.

(I'm gonna go game before work but I will update with a more informative post either tonight or tomorrow guys)

Zombie has Ungodly Powers

2006-12-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

Well, some very awesome, very good things have happened since the last post. I'd first like to thank Zombie for single handedly making this happen with his hoodoo magic. I'd secondly like to warn you all that Zombie does, infact, have the ability to will things to happen so please if you value the lives of yourself, your friends, and your family, stop pissing him off. He makes things happen.

So for the last month or so my very good friend and co-worker Shaun has been dating my very good friend and manager (Aimee) and while that's all good and happy it doesn't really make Kris feel all that well about his own relationshipial (yeah I make up words, go fuck yourself) problems which basically amount to a large absence of an relationship whatsoever. Now Aimee doesn't like for me to feel left out so she always invites me to hang out with them which is a nice gesture but really who likes to be the third wheel, especially when all wheel uno and dos want to do is get the bed posts knockin' ya know?

Anyways. Aimee has a friend named Karla who has been hanging out with us as well so that there would be an even number of wheels and so that Shaun and Aimee could concentrate more on each other's faces. I remember the first time I met Karla I was at a strip club, wasted, high as I've ever been and we didn't really talk much because A) I was mesmerized by the jiggly parts on the stage in front of me B) my brain didn't really work the way it is supposed to with that much substance in it and finally C) strip club's are loud, and I was pretty much sitting off by myself due to a lack of seats so I decided, "Fuck those guys, I'm gonna watch naked women have sex with that large, metallic, disease-ridden pole.

Now, after that we started to hang out a lot more often, the four of us. I never really felt anything of a vibe between Karla and I, but I did always find myself a bit attracted to her but if you know me you know that I'm a pussy, and I'm not the make the first move type. Not to mention that she has a boyfriend... and a daughter. Now the last few times we've hung out I've definitely felt something. And apparently for once in my life I've found a girl that I like.....that likes me as well! Ain't that some shit.

So last night myself, Karla, and Aimee were hanging out at my house, just talking and watching some random television shows because those sorry assholes wouldn't let me watch cops. Honestly, who on this fuckin planet doesn't like Cops? I'm getting off track. Anyways, we hung out for a while and there was a fair bit of hanging on one another and hand holding and what could be referred to as "leg cuddling" and then one of their friends came over, as well as Shaun.

We then moved from my house, their friend whose name I don't quite remember went home and the four of us went to Shaun's residence. Nothing really eventful Other than more cuddling and we watched the dumb ass "Victoria Secrets: no one will ever buy this shit and why the fuck do they wear wings the size of small office buildings" runway thing. I did get boob though. Not much to some of you assholes you just go home after a long day of work and bend your wife/girlfriend over the couch before dinner but me having never even kissed a girl, getting a little boob is like winning the superbowl okay.

We left after not too long, and she was headed home and had to drop me off first. We pulled up to my house and I got out, went to the driverside to give her a hug, because I wasn't gonna go for the kiss on the first date, I was actually gonna bust it out casanova style and just give her a hug a nd a kiss on the forehead and hold off on the big one for the next time. She had different plans in mind. That's right. You know what's coming next. we hugged for a few minutes and then Kris for the first time in his life kissed a girl. Not just any girl, a pretty special one. And it was a pretty special kiss. Having never done this before I was a bit worried that my technique was off or that I was doing something wrong but I have since been assured that I was definitely doing it right. So that lasted a few minutes, and then I decided she had better get in the car and go home before she didn't get to go home at all.

So great...so, so great.

2006-11-29T02:23:00.000-05:00

Once again I have no one in my life to actually talk to, so I come here. I've got today and tomorrow off and what have I done? I went to Wal-Mart, went over to Aimee's (my friend/hot manager) and helped her clean her room, and then when Shaun (my friend who chooses Aimee over all other things in life including his friends) she dropped me like a rock and went to Shaun's. Oh joy. Tomorrow I probably won't even leave my fucking house. Life is just... grand.

I know that this isn't the way things work...but I feel like I'm wasting my life just waiting. Waiting for the switch to just flip and for something positive to happen, waiting for someone to come into my life. Someone I can talk and be myself and just...be around. At age 21 not only have I never had sex, I've only ever kissed one girl and that was just the both of us being about six steps beyond drunk. I know everyone thinks that I still have a lot of time and 20 is so young, but you're all wrong on this one. 20 years old and I've never had a serious girlfriend, never had any real intimacy with a girl... that's not even classified as being behind the eightball....that's more like not being on the table. I'd go as far as to say that I'm not even the same room as the pool table.

I just don't get it. I know I'm fat. I know I don't look good, but plenty of big ugly bastards can get at a girl. Am I not a good person on top of that? I think I'm pretty caring, understanding, loving in the right situation...I'm starting to think I'm wrong.

On top of all this...I don't really know how I'd meet a girl in the first place. I don't go out because I have nobody to go out with. I don't go "clubbing" because quite honestly I don't want to. Plenty of girls sure but, it's just not something I can enjoy on top of the fact that the first gangsta young white male that gives me a dirty look would eat fuckin concrete. I don't go to parties because I don't know about them (see the no friends comment)

It's just something that I want in my life so damn bad and it's just never going to happen. I wouldn't say that I believe in fate, but I'm starting to think there is some truth to that shit because it's starting to feel like I'm meant to be the big, ugly, depressed waste of humanity that sits in front of this screen everyday. I mean honestly...this is my social interaction. This fuckin computer and Xbox Live. It makes me sick. I have more 'friends' on my Xbox than I do in my every day life, and even those friends don't really talk to me anymore.

And thus ends another session of me ranting on some stupid fuckin internet diary about shit no one cares to hear and that'll never change. I guess that's my social life for today.

Big Things

2006-11-09T13:04:00.000-05:00

Well I know it's been a while but this time, it's not really my fault. Since the last post quite a bit has happened, and I'm not talking about "my third cousin got engaged and the dog had puppies" quite a bit, I mean quite a fucking bit. I moved out of my dad's house, moved into an apartment with my mom (roommate) and it's going pretty damn well. It's not the best place, poorly planned out apartment to be honest but it's not falling apart, and we're making it work, and it feels like home for sure. I really missed mom and it's really nice seeing her all the time now. I definitely don't worry as much about her now, even though I still probably worry about her more than I should.

Also got myself one of those Cellular telephones. Nifty little things they are. I got a Razr and I really have enjoyed having it so far, although I don't really get calls all that much so it's probably just to the right of pointless for me to have one but..oh well I guess paying fifty bucks a month to feel like I'm more of a normal human being isn't too bad.

Probably the biggest of all the news that will be dropped on your asses with this blog entry is that I now have Fraggle Rock: the complete first season on DVD. Fuck yes. Apparently my mom had it in lay-away as just a random gift for me, partly as a joke, partly because when I was a kid and Fraggle Rock was on TV, you couldn't get unglued from living room floor if you had a crowbar and a belt for threatening purposes. Best kids show ever. Although, I will say that as a child I didn't really notice exactly how tripped out the show was. Let's see here, little puppets living inside of the walls of some old guys garage, a dog named sprocket (wtf), Glorbs, The all-knowing trash heap. Tell me Mr. Henson wasn't on something when he wrote this shit up.

And I'm actually gonna cut this one a bit short because I have a little something called Gears of War to get back to. That game truly is next-gen. Seriously...

The Tides of Change

2006-10-17T22:37:00.000-05:00

So today marks my first day back in the world of working out. More than anything I do weightlifting but I plan to do 15 minutes on the bike at the beginning and at the end of every day's session. It wasn't a brutal session today but I worked pretty hard. Johnson and I worked shoulders, forearms, abs, and back today while J-lo did arms. I'd forgotten just how good it felt to lift and get that burn going. I'm hoping to make it to the gym at least 4-5 times a week, along with playing basketball with some friends for a few hours on Sundays I should be, at the least, gaining some muscle, a little bit of weight, and feeling healthier.

Interesting turn of events today. I got home from the gym, and hopped in the shower quickly before I had to rush into work. I was getting dressed for work and my sister called. Apparently things had fallen out with Patty (my sister's boyfriend's ex-wife) staying in the apartment above them. It was originally supposed to be my mom's apartment but of course my sister doesn't give a shit about my mom so when Patty asked about it Juanita gladly gave it up. Now I'll be moving both myself and my mom into that upstairs apartment sometime this week/next week. I'm really excited to be living with my mom again for many reasons. I've really missed her, and doing things with her (painting, movies, cooking) not to mention that I think it'll be much better for her that I'm in the house with her and Juanita and Tom so that they aren't able to gang up on her so much and control all aspects of her life. I'll be the one in control of her SSI checks pretty soon which will be nice because then she'll actually be able to use her own money for something other than paying Juanita's fucking bills.

I do worry about telling my dad that I'm going to move in with mom, though. Not so much that I think he'll care, or that he'll miss me because I know that won't be an issue; I'm sure he loves me somewhere inside of himself but as for caring or wanting me around that just isn't in him. I don't like cars so he could really care less about what I have to say or what I do. I do worry, however, that he'll try to be an asshole and keep my car from me or say he isn't going to help me with college once I finally get there. I think he's pretty much talking out of his ass saying he was going to help me pay for my college anyways but it'd certainly be nice.

Who knows what will happen but overall I'm pretty happy about what's going on lately. Not to mention, above all, that my mom is the best cook on the fucking planet. God I miss that food.

Back to the Basics

2006-10-17T02:40:00.000-05:00

I'm sure the handful of people who actually read this thing have long since stopped checking for updates but for any who have maintained interest, welcome back. I wasn't writing for a long time after my last post partly due to a lack of desire, partly due to a lack of time. I love to write. I love the way that I can just stop thinking almost and just sort of pour out whatever I'm thinking or feeling and communicate the things inside of in a way that I can't do otherwise. I've never been a very social person, and I'm not talkative. Writing has always been one of the few things that comes natural to me, something that has kept me sane, and kept me from jumping off the edge in more ways than one.

for a while there I really got away from who I am. I stopped writing, didn't game as much as I normally would, hardly any basketball, no weighlifting, nothing. These are some of the few things that I can really pour myself into and just completely lose myself in and when you don't have that (granted it was my own fault for in a way "depriving" myself of these things) to keep you in place and to help keep you on an even keel than I guess things might tend to get out of hand as only I know they have lately.

Well, I'm writing again. I wish I could write in here everyday but to be honest I probably won't. Every few days for will be a goal of mine though, and I sincerely intend to hold myself to that not only because I enjoy it but because more than anything I need that release. My entire life I've had a lot of practice at holding everything inside of myself and simply pushing it down until I forget about it but that seems to be continually harder and harder to do so writing is going to have to play the bigger role in my life that it probably should always have.

Tomorrow morning I start working out again. I remember the two weeks where I had gone to "Elite Fitness" with Johnson. I didn't like the small amount of weight I was able to push on most things (other than legs which I've always been pretty gifted at) but I honestly began to feel healthy for the first time in my life. It's a good feeling and I'm really pretty excited to have that back into my life, not to mention that it's a great outlet for all the anger I seem to have.

Well...I've gotta be up in about five hours to get to the gym so I'm gonna go ahead and try to catch some sleep. I'm not perfect, and I don't think I could ever be extremely happy or normal but I'm starting to think that some things just aren't meant to be. I'm going to try as hard as I can to stay rooted in the things I know and the things that I love and try to just get through everyday one at a time until I can answers some questions that really only I can answer for myself.

Stay tuned.

2006-08-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

This Saturday marks the exact date that, twenty years ago I was brought into this world. I had a good childhood...I had good parents, maybe they weren't the best buy they tried, and they made sure I had what I needed. I'm just kind of sitting here wondering why I didn't turn out better. I can't imagine how much it must discourage someone after having done all you could to raise a decent human being and despite all your efforts having it just not work.

After twenty years in this life...what the fuck have I got to show for it? What have I done that matters even the tiniest bit. God, I want so badly to just....matter. I play video games, and go to work. I want to do things and better myself and not give in when I feel like this but it's such an immense feeling of worthlessness...of self pity in a way covered in shame. I wish I had something that I was passionate about. Something to make me feel like I mattered. What's the point in going on is the only question I have to ask myself..and as much as I search and search for an answer I can't find one. All I do is hurt, all day long...every fuckin day. I don't know how to get passed this... I don't want to be alive right now. Nothing is happy for me, other than the momentary laspses where I seem to think that I can just pull myself out of this and I do try, I try so hard but I can't...make this feeling go away..and I can't stop feeling like I'm a failure...like everyone is ashamed of me...that I'm ashamed of myself.

Thinking about religion, about god...faith and fate. Maybe I'm not here to succeed. Maybe I'm meant to fail...maybe I'm supposed to quit, I don't know. I want to forget what this feels, but it's like trying to pull yourself out from underneath some immense weight. Every time I try I get nowhere...and it hurts more and more..and I just want to give up and have it be over.

One Step Closer

2006-08-08T17:44:00.000-05:00

How you doin? Yeah it's been a little while but what can you do. It's been so damn hot lately that I haven't felt like coming upstairs into my sauna of a room to hop on the computer and blog but it's calmed down a bit and last night it was actually *gasp* comfortable up here, though the place does need a good cleaning. Maybe we'll do that later tonight.

So, a few things have gone down since last time. First, I got the fattest check yet from good ole' Mr. McDonald. 310 bucks for two weeks isn't exactly stellar but my checks are normally around 250 so this one was quite a nice suprise. I'm working even more hours on this next one which I ge the day before my birthday (great timing) so that one should be even a little bit nicer.

This is where I stopped blogging, due to the fact that Sarah P. wasn't feeling so well and called me to see if I would close for her. I work three hours, and one of them puts me into overtime, so I didn't mind it so much. It does suck that the last three days I've had off I have worked on though...what can I say, I'm too nice to say no.

I've also finally taken my written test for my driver's license. I got three wrong out of I don't even know how many...ten pages or so. So I have a permit to drive with a licensed person of 18 or older for the next thirty days (took the test about two weeks ago) and after that time is up I can take my road test and hopefully will then have my license and be able to get that behind me. I'm looking forward so much to being able to drive myself around like a normal 20 year old person. Although, I am pretty worried about the test since no one will really give me a chance to get used to driving and I'm not so sure I'll be able to pass my road test if I don't get at least a little bit of time behind the wheel. Just like my family, completely unwilling to help anyone but themselves.

Also have my birthday coming up NEXT WEEKEND. I'm pretty geeked about it, which is odd since I don't normally care about birthday's. I'm just glad I'm finally going to have a good birthday (knock on wood) as the last few have been really lame. My last birthday (19) we were all supposed to get all drunk and go to the strip club and everyone completely ditched me and I sat at home and played video games all night. Rather depresssing, so I hope this one turns out to be a little bit more interesting.

I'm gonna cut this one short, since going to work for three hours threw a bit of a wrench into my plans for the night, I'm just gonna take a shower, put some time in with my other blog (be sure to check that out anyone who is into gaming) and then go to bed so I can get up early tomorrow and get some cleaning and laundry and stuff that needs to be done out of the way.

Very Tired

2006-07-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

Why you might ask? Because I just worked a nine hour long shift at McDonald's where it was 85 degrees in the grill and that's worsened by the fact that I work mostly with people who are nearly invalid or just too damn lazy to do their job. We won't be going down this road though...because I don't really wanna talk about that shit. Fuck. That. Shit.

Moving along. Potential new job on the horizon. A good friend of mine who works with me and works Saturday's at Elite Fitness (a gym here in Bay City) is passing my name and numner along to the new owner of Elite. Apparently he is very, very short staffed and is looking for people to either work for a membership or possible to work their for reals. I'll be happy to do either to be honest, but working at the gym rather than McDonald's would really cater to the whole changing myself thing. Especially with the weight loss.

I've been roller blading as often as I can, but I will say that I haven't been running as much as I would like, or as much as I should be, but I've had a bit of a full plate lately. I am down five pounts so far, from 278 to 273...so I guess it isn't a total failure quite yet.

I got a shiny new Xbox 360 last Friday! Not exactly "in the budget" but ya know....I guess you have to do something for yourself everyone once in a while. I do have to start saving a bit more though, and start digging myself out of debt. Which leads me to my next point. Fuck National City Bank. Apparently I charged 3.38 on my debit card after I had already emptied out my checking account in order to get my 360...which I didn't do. I knew I had 2 cents in my checking account..so why the fuck would I charge anything on my card? I didn't and I know it but they don't believe me so I have to pay a 34 dollar overdraft fee. National City. Listen closely. You can overdraft deez nuts. Honestly.

I've been in a rather ambitious mood lately. J-lo brought his programming stuff to work the other day to look over while he was on break and since we weren't busy as I was in the crew room just sort of reading through his book...and I started thinking about college. Now, if you don't know me, which you probably don't, lemme just tell you a bit about my scholastic yester-years. I was straight A's until sixth grade. Middle school was B's and C's...and then we hit high school. I failed a couple classes in my freshman year, dropped out in my sophmore year, and had to stay an extra semester after my Senior year to actually graduate. (Please note that I'm not dumb. I failed these classes of my own accord and while that was a very dumb thing to do I assure you all that I have more than enough smarts to have made staright A's in high school. Let's this be a lesson to the young'uns who might glance upon this; take your vitamins, say your prayers, and stop fucking around with your education)

Now on to the reason for explaining all of that. As I flipped through the pages of that programming textbook I started to realize something that I never thought I would experience. I miss school. I miss learning very much. You don't really appreciate it as much because it's forced upon you but I really think high school is taken for granted in a vast majority of cases; it certainly was in mine. So, while I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, I think I might start college this fall. I have to talk to my dad about it, I'm not so sure he'll pay for any of it being the tight-assed liar that he is, but it's certainly worth a try. Hell, it'll be worth it just seeing the look of shock when he hears the word "college" come out of my mouth.

I just don't know what I should go for. There's so much I want to do, but I don't know what I'd be good at...and of course I wouldn't be me if I didn't doubt myself and think that I could make it through the classes for most of my potential career choices. Game Development and Design, Law Enforcement, History Teacher, Zoologist, something to do with writing....I just have no idea.

Well, I guess that'll be about it for now. I need to go shower off the burger stink, play a little bit of Oblivion, and then hit the sack so that I can work another lovely day under the golden arches.

Cause' you know you got asthma

2006-07-03T01:35:00.000-05:00

Well now. Where do I begin. I guess by saying that tomorrow is going to be a really sweet day. I'm gonna get up early, hopefully go rollerblading with J-lo, and then head over to my brother's house to hang out, cook out, and smoke out all afternoon and well into the night. Just relaxing, enjoying family, and then we're gonna check out the fireworks which, is going to be fuckin sweet.

Now, let me tell you a little story that makes me feel kinda dirty. It occured earlier today, at about ten to five. I had to work at five and I got there a few minutes early so that I could eat before I clocked in because I knew I wouldn't be getting a break; nor did I want to take one. Now, at McDonald's they have created a stupid little system to try to make you do even more work for the same low pay. Anyways, they evaluate you and then determine what level of meal you can get for a free crew meal everytime you work.

Bronze = Cheeseburger, small fry
Silver = Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, 2 Cheeseburger meal, Medium fry
Gold = Whatever the fuck you want it to be.

Now, I have earned Silver, which means I can get a Quarter Pounder. I like that. So, I go up to the counter and order my #3 Plain and I step to the side. Dave is the manager who took my order, that is very vital point in the story. I go get my drink and come back to get my food, and what sits on my tray is a #4 which is a DOUBLE quarter pounder meal, and a very large fry. Now this is most clearly a Gold tier meal, yet Dave has most certainly placed it on my tray.

So, I look at Dave for a minute, and he's just standing there, and just before I open my mouth to exclame, "What the fuck Dave?" he says, "That's the right order" and he proceeds to wink at me. Unsure what to think of the situation I grabbed the tray and sat at down to run some analysis and eat my shit. Now, the night before this I closed with Dave, along with Sarah, Terry, and Aimee and they are all pretty cool so we were tellings jokes and messing around and really having a good night the whole time. And the conversation turned towards pants, and then inevitably someone said buttcrack and I had to jump on that shit. So I was cracking jokes and they were laughing pretty hard and shit. The point is that Dave and I never really acknowledged that the other one existed until that night when we were joking around and all that.

There are only two reasons that Dave could have winked at me. 1) I'm definitely on his good side now and he is gonna do sweet shit like that because we're tight like that or the alternative 2) he's extremely homosexual. Now I'm assuming that it's door #1 but ya know... I must say that I felt a little dirty eating that sandwich.

Fin.

It starts today

2006-07-01T15:03:00.000-05:00

Since I was about ten years old, I've steadily grown to hate who I am more and more. I hate that I'm as big as I am, I hate that I haven't done anything with my life, I hate that I always quit on myself. I don't like who I am. I never just do what I want, I never have had any confidence at all. Never had a girlfriend, never been very ambitious. That ends today.

I'm done quitting on myself. I want to change who I am and I'm not going to quit a month from now this time. I'm not gonna push on for a little while and then tell myself that I can't do it and that I couldn't do it all along, or that I'll never be able to do it. That's not a life anyone wants, and it's not a life that I'm going to let myself have just because it's easier than changing my life and making it the way I want it.

Today marks a big day in my life. Everything changes today. I start losing weight today. I tell myself that I can change today. I don't quit on myself, from here on out.

By the end of this summer I will be at or under 250 pounds. I was 278 last Friday and I weighed in today at 275 after having rollerbladed for an hour or two and then going running for a little bit. That leaves at least another 70 pounds to go. I want, more than anything I've ever wanted, to finally get my shit together and start myself on the path to fighting MMA. I don't know how I'll get into that, I don't know how someone does get into that, but I am without a shadow of a doubt going to set myself up to be in the shape that I need to be in to give myself the best chance possible of getting into and being successful in the world of MMA.

So, 8 A.M. everyday. Running everyday. Rollerblades as often as I can get a ride to the rail trail. As soon as I have my license ( about a month and a half or two months from now) I will be getting my gym membership and will have 5 to 6 days a week workouts. I'm done fucking around.

Fuck a Title.

2006-06-25T13:50:00.000-05:00

Alright, well I've really been neglecting my blog the last few weeks, and I am making a verbal agreement with myself on a few things concerning the blog. First of all, I will be updating at least twice a week from now on, I need to write more anyways and I really enjoy this. The second thing is a bit of something else actually. Now, I've tried to be pretty honest in what I write here, but I can say that what I started out wanting with this blog is a complete and brutal honest compilation of what goes on in my life and what I think about it. From here on out that is what you will get. I know that I held myself back because I know that the people that I am friends with read this and I didn't want anything to be taken incorrectly and for it to cause any trouble, but I'm quite over that.

So from now on be warned, I'm going to write this blog as if I were the only one who will ever read it, as it should be, and as I intended it to be. This isn't to say that I don't want you to continue reading it, simply that if you are offended by anything, or if you're mentioned here within then you can talk to me about it if you would like or you can just get over it.

Right, well. Have to work in t-minus 70 minutes. Sucks that I work at four though, since I was certain all week that I worked 6-close, so those two hours seem like the worst thing in the world.

Haven't really done a whole lot lately. I've just been working as much as I can, playing video games, and smoking a hefty amount of the marijuana. After the trip to the Vu (Titty Club) my financial plans took a small hit but ya know, we had fun and that's all that really matters I guess. It's not as if I go every week, hell it was almost a year since I had last been there. I think I deserved to spend a bit. This last check was small though which hurts more. I had to take a day off on account of some issues surrounding the medical condition known as "Chafing".

Haven't been the happiest lately. I really just want to get some shit out of the way. I want to pick up my 360, get Kim paid off, and get Sprint paid off so they can stop having their fuckin robot phones call my house all the damn time. I'm pretty sure they've spent more in phone calls to my house than the amount I fuckin owe them. I also really want to get my license. It's so close I can taste it. I'm gonna take my little "rules of the road" booklet to work with my today since I close I have a lot of time to stand there and do nothing so I'm gonna make sure I have that all in my head and then either Tuesday or Wednesday I'll go take my written test, hopefully pass, and I'll have a 30 day permit. After those thirty days are up I can set up my drivers test and if I pass that I am one enormous fuckin step closer to being the independent young man that I would like to be.

I've been trying to figure out what the hell I wanna do with my life lately and I can honestly say that for as many years as I've been trying to figure this out I still am not any closer to the goal than when I started. Part of me says to shoot for the stars and that I can do what I want and to go for Zoology or for game development, you know the harder stuff, and there is a part of me that says to just go for something that ensures that I have money, such as police officer, or having my brother get me into his repo company (once I have my license, obviously). There is also the third part of me that shows itself all too much. The part that says that I couldn't do any of those things, the part that is happy with making 5.15 an hour at McDonald's and living with his dad, smoking dro and playing video games for the rest of his life. I'm not proud of the fact that those thoughts are in my head but they are. I know that's not what I want for myself, or what anyone else wants for me...but it's there, it always has been, and I don't know how you make that go away.

I think maybe I made a mistake. I was so happy when I got this McDonald's job after all the commotion about where I was going to stay, where I wanted to live and all that. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed here? Maybe I should've gone to California with Joy and Kim, or tried to talk to the Goat and see if he was for real about me coming to stay with him. You know, he calls me "little brother" but I see him as the sort of person who could be the father figure that I never really had. I think he could really help me out and teach me a lot. The more I think about it, the more I think that I really fucked that one up. I chose a minimum wage job and staying in my dad's house over a couple of things that would probably have changed my life in a very positive way forever. I guess that's just what I always do.

Well, I'm gonna cut it short. Man, it really felt good getting all this out, that's why I started doing this in the first place, so expect to see a much more frequent update of this blog from now on. Oh! and also, I'm going to be starting a second blog if anyone is interested in reading that I will post the URL as soon as I start it. It's going to be what I call a "gamer blog" where I post my game reviews, previews, thoughts, musings, and about what I am currently playing. Just all things video game that run through my head.

My Apologies

2006-06-04T01:56:00.000-05:00

It has been far too long. I know 2-3 people who read this regularly, and to you two, possibly three, loyal readers, friends, fans...and any others who may happen upon my "blog" I surely do apologize. It's been a while, I know. I mean well, and I've actually meant to update this more often but ya know, just haven't had the time I guess. Feels sort of good to be able to say that to be honest.

Well let's start this entry off with a story from the land of the golden arches. Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away I worked from 8:00 until close. We're talking about today by the way. Today just so happens to be Saturday, well technically Sunday at the moment but you know what I'm getting at here. McDonald's closes at 1:00 in the A.M. on Fri/Sat. So, I'm going about my business, not talking to my co-workers who I really have nothing in common with or anything to talk to about, and doing my pre-close/singing to myself/day dreaming. It gets to be about 11:30 and I look up at my screen and what is it that I see? Well, an order obviously, but here is the order, as it appeared on the screen, and as it will ever be etched into the back of my brain as the single most furiating moment of my life. It appeared as just exactly this:

2 4-nuggets
1 spicy chicken
12 mcchicken
12 double cheese

Now let me explain this to those of you who don't know how fast food restaraunts work. The later in the night it gets, the closer we get to closing, and the more we like to get done so that we don't have to be there all night. We don't want to be making 5.15 until the sun rises, ya know? So thusly, we keep less and less product cooked and ready to be served because we don't want to waste it, and no one orders 27 fucking things. It just doesn't happen. Until I close, and then it does happen. Now, at this time of night, we have four people working in the whole place. Two of them are in the drive-thru area; one takes orders and takes your money, the other gives you your shit and a smile and says "come back again". That leaves two. One of these is a manager, who generally just sits on their ass or talks to the other girl (who is working in the drive-thru because god forbid someone with a fuckin vagina do actual work).

Now the fourth person would be me, and me works in the grill area. That means I make all the meat for all the sandwiches, nuggets, selects, salads, etc. and I also have to make all of these sandwiches that people order. Luckily, the manager who sits on her ass and does nothing but talk to the other dumb bitch was actually a good manager tonight and really helped me out, but that still makes only two people back there to make these things, keep product cooked and let's not forget that this is only one order. Orders are piling up like used condoms in the corner of the room in a pay by the hour motel. It took about half an hour just to get this order, and the six that were behind it, not to mention that Nicole (manager) isn't very neat with her sandwiches i.e. she throws fuckin lettuce and onions all over the place and on the floor meaning that all the cleaning/sweeping/mopping I had done previously needed to be done again.

Now Nicole wouldn't let me go to the drive-thru window and tell these dumb fucks that McDonald's does have a phone, and that when you order massive amounts of shit, that you need to call first so that we don't get fucked like we did.

The morale of the story, kids, is that if you ever go the McDonald's on Bay Road, in Bay City, in the great state of Michigan, and you order a lot of shit, and I'm working, I'm going to come outside. I'm going to leave the grill area without making your order, and I'm going to unlock the lobby doors and go out them. I'm then going to proceed to open your car door and jerk you out onto the black top and I'm going to kick you in the chest until you cough up blood and little pieces of what were once your ribs. I'm then going to stomp on your god damn head until it's completely and utterly unrecognizable. Then I'm gonna make your food, and bring it out to you, and leave it strewn all about your dead, bleeding, carcass.

Then I'm going to smile at you and say, "There you go, please come back again!"

We need NUGGETS!!!1!11

2006-05-12T15:04:00.000-05:00

So, just before I got fired from the very same McDonald's that I currently work at, slightly over a year ago, there was a new guy hired. He's about 6'2", 130 pounds, a tall wirey guy, nerdy lookin. HIs name is Erich. Now first of all I'd like to speak to anyone who has or plans on having a child. When you name that child, do the world - and the kid - a favor, and give the kid a real fucking name. Be sure to spell that name correctly as well, as the doctor to check it over for you as they are rather smart and should know if you spelled it stupid or not. Erich, is not Eric or Erik, or even Erick. The word is E-rich, therefore that is what he is called by his co-workers. But I've digressed...

So Erich sucks. He's loud, he's annoying, he's slower than bird shit in the Arctic. He came into work today, and he could've been a fuckin doctor going into surgery the way he washed his fucking hands. Ten minutes, he's standing there scrubbing his fuckin cuticles at the back sink while two of us handle the mid-day fucking rush. Now what makes matters worse is that when he finally gets around to putting his fuckin gloves on and doing his job, he doesn't really do his job.

He was supposed to be on meats today. That means he makes the meat for the sandwiches, regular meat, quarter meat, filets, all the chicken products. We had no orders up, and then this 200 year old asian man decided to order a four piece chicken nugget. That order emptied a tray of nuggets so I put the tray in the back by the vats and, as you are supposed to, told the fuckin retard, "Hey, you need to drop a tray of nuggets." Easy enough right? Normally they would just go drop the nuggets and everyone would get along with their job. But, he's fuckin Erich so he didn't. He stood there playing with a puddle of grease on the grill like he was fuckin mesmerized by it's fatty powers. So, I tell him again, "Erich, you need to put some nuggets down." Slightly harsher this time, maybe he'll get it through his thick fuckin skull. We're pretty busy and we sell some nuggets, and guess what? Now Both trays of nuggets are empty. He has yet to put anything in the vats.

After about a half an hour of him doing nothing but reg and quarter meats, we are running out of grilled chicken, crispy chicken, chicken selects, McChicken and fish filet. We are completely void of nuggets, so I turn to this waste of sperm and skin cells and as politely as I can tell him, "Would do your fucking job and drop the fucking vats?" He was taken aback. He breaks out into this nerd-rant trantrum about how he has to make all these different things when all he's done is draw in grease puddles and make burger meat. Everyone else can handle it just fine, why the fuck can't he? Eventually he did start to slowly drop shit and we still got behind on everything so I just did his fucking job and mine and told him to get the fuck out of the way.

Now, the point of this whole story is, this fucking illegitimate step son was hired over a fucking year ago. He hasn't gotten any more efficient, faster, smarter, anything. He still completely fuckin sucks at his job to the point where he literally does not do it. And he has been allowed to work there for this long just because he shows up. That, my friends, is why people don't want to stay and work at fast food places and other houses of minimum wage. Hire competent fucking workers for the handful of us that actually do their job well, and maybe we'd stick around a bit longer.

On a lighter note, tomorrow may very well begin the start of my week long super secret "who gives a shit about me anyways" experiment. Probably Monday would be a better day to start it but, that's really all I can tell you about that, otherwise I'd have to chop your genitalia off and glue your bottom lip to your forehead.

Hugs and Kisses.

Hi's and Lo's

2006-05-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Well, It's been a bit of a mixed bag since the last post. I started working at McDiddy's on Wednesday and picked up 17 hours between today and tomorrow (saturday and sunday) so that's gonna make my first check nice and phat like. I really like the feeling of working again to be honest. I know a lot of people talk shit about the place but, I love the people I work with, I enjoy the job itself even most of the time, and when Michigan's minimum wage goes up in October, the pay will be pretty damn nice as well.

I'm hoping that first check is hovering somewhere around the 300 mark, it should be so long as Mark doesn't fuck me on hours for next week, and then I can either get sprint payed off and get some little stuff that I've been needing, or just save the majority of it and get my 360 with that and my next check, and then proceed to pay Sprint and Kim off. I have to find out how much I owe Kim actually, somewhere around 400 bucks I do believe so that'll definitely be payed in installments which I'm hoping she's okay with.

Found out earlier this week that Taylen has Leukemia. Wow. Now we look back at my thoughts on religion. Now I've never believed in God for whatever reason, I just don't believe in some magical man creating the world and all that. Now, if there is a god, and he's up there right now, I'd like to send a big suck my dick to you, Mr. almighty and powerful. Don't give me this "everything happens for a reason" bullshit either because there's no good reason that I six year old little boy, an innocent fucking little kid, should be crippled with this shit. For the rest of his life he'll be restricted by this. What did he do to deserve that? Not a god damn thing. I don't care if this is part of God's great plan...because anyone who has that in his plan is seriously fucked up and can choke on my ball sack.

Got my checkcard in the mail tonight, so that's neat. It'll be inherently neater when I have money in my account though. I worked 2-10 tonight so I'm really struggling to think of what has gone on the last few days...and I'm spent. So, it's a short one I know but I work at 12-6 tomorrow and it's midnight-thirty already so I'm gonna get some sleep.

I'll try to update more often for you guys (Vols)

So. Fucking. Happy.

2006-05-01T11:10:00.001-05:00

Wow. So the last post wasn't so happy. This one is coming from almost a new person, from a much lighter and happier place that I haven't seen in a very long time. Let's just go ahead and start at the beginning.

Saturday night/Sunday morning I did a lot of thinking. I knew I was in such a bad place within myself lately that I really wouldn't make it much longer with the way I felt. I for weeks up on weeks had not had a day that I enjoyed life, not a day where I woke up happy or went to sleep content. I had no motivation anymore, I had no hope for myself, I just had given up on myself for what I thought would be the last time.

And then I started to think about some of the happenings over the past week. Both Tom and Juanita have gone behind my back and told other members of my family (They -had- to have known that I would hear about this) about how worthless I am, and how I only wanted to move to Alabama because my mom would "baby" me and this and that. Well bottom line, my sister is pissed that mom is moving back to where she is happy because she won't be here to cook and clean up after my fat ass sister. I will no longer accept any sort of help or charity from those two cocksuckers. Not a house or a fucking slurpee. I won't be learning to drive from Tom, I won't be parking their cars, I won't be getting a ride from them. If I want to go somewhere and they are the only available ride then I'll ride my god damn bike.

Anyways! back to the point. I started to think about all of this, and it was about this time that on Sunday mornings the church services start coming onto tv. I actually sometimes watch the ones on BET because they are more or less motivational rather than religion, plus I just find them interesting rather than boring in the way they are presented and the people who preach them. I started to think about religion a little more and even thought about maybe pedalling my big ass into church for the first time since I was six that morning, but that didn't really work out. I guess I just decided that I need some sort of motivation, and while I'm very skeptical of religion, and I don't really believe in god or gods, I think it something that I might check out later.

I decided that, as I was listening to this man speak, that I didn't want to be defeated quite yet. He spoke a lot about how nothing can change unless you will it to change. God doesn't just fix things for you, you have to ask for his help and then he'll see what he can do basically. And I know several people have tried to point this out to me but I finally found the meaning in this. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the things going on in my life and wanting to make them better. I've always wanted to be a happy person, but I have never really done much about it. So I decided it was in fact, time to start doing.

So, since it was a nice day out already I went out back and dug out my bike. I hadn't used it since January, and it was all rusted up but it actually still works really well, and shines pretty nicely after a little clean-up. I then went with Lisa to go on a lesson in Wal-Mart shopping. You see, she refuses to buy any cereal that doesn't come in a six foot tall bag and tastes like styrofoam packing peanuts. So, she got a lesson in shopping and I will no longer have to eat her shitty cereal at four in the morning.

We also went to the McDonald's that she currently works at, and that I used to work at. It's been nearly a year on the dot, and I haven't found another job. Not for lack of trying, mind you, it's just there really aren't many jobs in this state in general. So I talked to Mark, the store manager, about getting my job back and he sat me down and of course had to ask me some questions and see what had changed in me and why I thought I should get another chance. I won't discuss what was said but he obviously saw the change that has come in me and said that I needed to come back tomorrow and pick up my uniforms and my schedule.

So now, I'm fucking ecstatic. I had started out my day in a positive light with a good, optimistic attitude, and it actually payed out for me. For so long I have just struggled to keep myself going from day to day and now I finally have some things going in my favor. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy, to have a good day, to enjoy life. It feels pretty damn good.

We stopped at Family Video on the way home and I picked up a couple of movies to watch over the next week, and once I got home I got a call from a friend I haven't talked to in about two months. Justin Motherfucking Royal. So Justin, Eischer, and myself all went over to Zion and played basketball for a few hours. I guess everyone goes on Sundays at 5 every week and plays for a couple of hours. We were joined by Tech-money and Colbath along with some middle-aged guys who were pretty damn good. I got my ass kicked and was dog tired but it felt so good to have a ball in my hand again and to just be able to run around the court. Although I will say that deciding against wearing my ankle braces was a terrible choince. I'm hardly able to walk today.

So, today is another beautiful sunny day. A nice breeze coming in the window, and Cold Pizza on the boob-tube. I'm gonna go in here in about a hour and a half and pick up my uniforms and my schedule and probably gonna go start a bank account since McDonald's direct deposists our checks. Then I'm gonna come home, watch a movie or two and enjoy life for the first time in a very, very long time.

Situational Woes

2006-04-25T07:20:00.000-05:00

Right, well remember all that talk of me moving to Alabama and this and that and the other? Yeah well this, that, and the other were all brutally shot in the mouth 17 times last night. Apparently my mom doesn't plan to go back to Alabama now. Rather than going back to the beautiful house that she loved and the climate that she loves, with her and her dogs and her garden and her self respect and sense of accomplishment she's opted to stay here. Keep in mind that this is Michigan, and if the temperature drops below 70 degrees my mom gets cold. 50 is winter coat weather for her. Now to make this worse she plans to stay with Juanita and Tom. So she is trading everything that made her happy in Alabama...for everything that drove her to move in the first place with the exception of my dad.

I don't like the idea of Tom being around my dogs or my mom for any extended period of time. He's weird, slightly violent, and thinks that he can just stomp anyone who steps to him. He constantly starts arguments just to argue. The biggest thing is that Tom doesn't have any respect for my mother. Now, I understand that she isn't his mother, but if ever there was a rule to -not- break in the world I would have to say that disrespecting my mother would be it. If I hear one more disrespectful fucking, filthy, snide little comment come out of his cock humming cum depository of a mouth I'm going to make sure his jaw has to be wired shut. I'm simply done fucking with him, I'm not going to explain myself or have a nice sit down and talk with him. He's going to be seriously fucked very, very soon.

Now, keep in mind this means I won't be moving to Alabama. So, yeah that fifteen dollar and hour construction assistant job? Yeah that's right you guessed it. So next week I'm gonna go grovel at the feet of my ex-boss and beg for my fucking McDonald's job back. I'm hoping it'll work and there is very good chance that it will, since Lisa has been putting in the good word for me and because they need help very badly. Besides that, he knows how hard of a worker I am, t was just a freak accident that I didn't show up and Mark actually seems to be a pretty forgiving and good guy.

So! Now I'm pretty much stuck here. I think I could still move out to Los Angeles with Joy and Kim but to be honest I haven't been able to talk to them barely in the last few weeks. Me being in Grand Rapids, Kim is in New York right now, and I don't know...it feels sort of like a falling out to me. Not that anything has happened to cause it (at least I don't think anything has happened) but I just feel that sort of drifting apart starting to begin. I hope like hell I'm wrong though.

So, I've got a new rancorous hate for the world ladies and gentlemen! Watch yourselves...

All In The Family

2006-04-17T06:37:00.000-05:00

Well, just figured I'd update this since I probably won't be able to do so for about a week. I'm gonna go, along with my mom, to Grand Rapids to visit my Aunt Val, Uncle Bob, my cousin Robbie (like a brother to me) and possibly my other cousin Candace. These are far and above my favorite relations, and the only ones that I really care enough to try to keep in contact with. My uncle Bob is sort of a dick, but he always means well. My aunt Val is very eager to please, always enjoys herself, and wears glasses the size of my shoe. Robbie has always been a gaming nut like me, always into the same sort of stuff, same since of humor. He's one of the few people that can rip on me endlessly and I can just laugh along with him and not get the urge to break his nose. Candace. Yeah, about Candace. Well, she's annoying. Her voice is of a pitch just slightly above dog whistle. She's dumber than burnt plastic and I will avoid her at all costs.

Anyways. My aunt Val and Robbie are going to come pick me and my mom up sometime around noon today and we'll be there until Sunday. I'm pretty excited to finally see them after these last few years, especially Rob. Not to mention Robbie now has his own place, and my aunt and uncle has moved into another new house. My uncle built this one with his barehands just like the last one. I really admire that about my uncle Bob. He really can do anything.

I actually think about what it would be like to stay with them and to live there for a while and maybe learn a few things from my uncle Bob. It seems more and more apparent to me lately that my dad wasn't exactly good at being a dad in my life. Ever since I talked to George (Suprgoat) about this I'm beginning to realize that a dad is supposed to be someone who teaches you about life, about fishing, how to drive, how to fix a car, how to build stuff, how to grill a steak. All of these things that, "every guy knows". Well...I don't know these things. Sure I'm grateful for my dad being in my life and for putting up with me for 19 years, feeding me, clothing me occasionally and putting a roof over my head for part of my life but being a dad is much more than that.

I've gotta get this fuckin Final Fantasy XII preview done. I wasn't aware until yesterday that it was on a limited time basis like the reviews are at Snackbar. I figured I'd just get around to it some time before the game comes out, in November, but apparently it needs to be done by April 21st. Fucking fantastic.

Well, I guess I'd better go get some wash done and start packing for the week. I'm not sure whether or not I'll be staying with my aunt and uncle or with Robbie and I don't know what the internet situation is at either place so there is a chance I won't be able to blog until I get home next Sunday. If I can't get online I hope you all have a good week and enjoy yourselves. Hope you all had a good Easter as well.

Been a little while

2006-04-14T18:30:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted in a while so I figured I'd update this while I'm waiting for this music to finish downloading. Then I'll be doing what I do every night, playing Halo 2. Sort of pathetic really...at age 19 I have nothing better to do on a friday night than to sit in my room alone and play video games. Don't think about that too long, cause it'll start to depress you as well.

Anyways, let's see here. I finally got the Tales of Phantasia review copy in the mail last week. I'm a little torn thus far. I'm only about six hours into it but I'm beginning to think that RPG's are not exactly built for a handheld system. It feels a little cluttered with the menus, the combat is far more repetitive than that combat in Tales of Symphonia (Combat was more fun than any other RPG I've ever played) and so far the story -really- is not there. Despite all this I've enjoyed myself while playing so it's not that bad I guess.

My computer ate my iTunes folder. Yesterday I was just messing around with it, making a playlist and noticed that suddenly the vast majority of my 3500+ songs were not able to be located. I don't know where they went, I don't know who took them, but whatever the case, fuck you to whoever or whatever caused them to go away. Now I get to re-rip all my god damn cd's to this computer. ALL OF THEM ><

I think I've decided where I'm going now. I know I don't want to stay here, so I figure I can go to stay with my mom in Alabama for a few months, work up some cash and then go ahead and get myself out to California for a while. Hopefully while I'm at my moms I can get my license and all that so it's out of the way before I get to California. I'm worried that I'll become content with having a little bit of cash and sitting on my ass when I get to my mom's. I really want to move out to LA with those two. I want to prove to everyone that I can get/hold a job, that I can survive in a new place, that I can become something. More so I think I just want to prove to myself that I have it within me to do so.

Well that'll be enough out of me I suppose. I would like to thank those of you who take time out of your busy lives to read what I have to say. I don't necessarily do this because I want people to see it but it is nice to know that some people care.

California (the part with all the pictures)

2006-04-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

California

2006-04-07T14:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I hope you all have your drinks refilled and your bladders empty. This is gonna take a while.

Friday, March 31st

So, finally the day that I'd been waiting for. I woke up, and it wasn't a good time. Cuban was beating on my window, at 9 in the morning. You see, Cuban was supposed to call me at five after ten to see if I was awake because I had my alarm set for 10. He doesn't follow directions well. So I get my shower, squeeze my toothbrush and deodorant into my bag, hoping that it doesn't go all Warner Bros. on me and quiver for a minute and then explode. Off we go to Flint Bishop.

We got to the airport with plenty of time. We got passed the automated check yourself in thing, and went on to a black lady who didn't enjoy the size of Cuban's bag. He lied to the TSA officer and we kindly went about our day. We went through security, I got called fat, some guy got pissed that I was going to take my earrings out, and then we were done. At our gate. Two fucking hours early. Thanks guys.

That first flight was very, very cool. Planes are much more cramped inside than I thought they would be, but flying is pretty awesome; especially taking off and landing. We go to Detroit, everything was super easy again (after all my worrying about this) and we took a long ass plane ride out to LA. I got a bit restless but I was very very excited.

Here's a picture of a little light traffic in the city of Los Angeles for you guys. That's taken on the way to pick us up from LAX. It was so awesome to see Kim and Joy again. I held back the excitement pretty well. So we drove back to their place, got to see some traffic, how their "free"ways are all over the damn place, a few cool sites. We got back to their place and I don't know what I expected it to be but I didn't expect it to have balloons every where. So we just sort of looked around their apartment for a while (a very nice little place by the way) and chilled out for a while and then we decided to head out to meet up with a few of our other clan members (halo 2 clan, don't leave me angry comments darkies) at this Thai restaraunt.

So, maybe you don't know this, but if it doesn't bleed, or it doesn't originate from a potatoe, I don't really want to eat it. I don't like vegetables, I don't like fruit, I don't like much really. I'm a meat and potatoes kinda guy. Well, this meal was a bit of a test for me. We get to the thai place and we meet Zombi3 (Josh), His "pregnoid" significant other Vanessa, and Infinever. They are pretty cool people to be honest, I enjoyed it.

So our extremely gay asian waiter gives us our menus, and I start to get a little scared. Cause everything I see has a shitload of vegetables, or squid testicles, or fish vagina, or something that I more than definitely don't want to ingest. Luckily, Kim saves the day as usual and finds some meat-on-a-stick and B-B-Q chicken. There was some weird sauce type stuff over it all, but it wasn't terrible.

Attention: I would like you all to note that Blogger has a very gh3y system they use for posting pictures in your blog. I have a lot of them to post, and I am not going to deal with this dragging all the way down to where I want the pic, so this is the end of mid-story pic posting. I'll put them all at the bottom of this blog. My apologies, but I don't care enough to make this a four hour ordeal. Thank you for your cooperation.

Now where was I? Ah yes. Well after everyone had their fill of squid balls we all decided to go down the road a bit and play some pool. Now, when I was younger I border on a billiards protege. My brother taught me everything he knew, and he took me at least every other day to play with him and his friends at the local pool hall they all frequented. I don't play hardly ever anymore. And I'm terrible. And I got pissed, but I did pretty well to mask it I think. Even Uber pregnant Vanessa got into the action, and Joy had sex with the pockets, and me and Cuban lost everytime we played. It was a good time though. Then we all parted ways, went back to Kim and Joy's and went to sleep.

Saturday, April 1st

I got up pretty early, and just sort of sat around taking everything in. Joy started teaching Cuban how to juggle, and while I was just watching innocently, she made me do this as well. Now, my football coach tried to teach me to juggle in my younger days as he wanted me to do it for hand speed. Never worked. So I figure I wouldn't be able to do it, and I sort of can't. But I will admit that I got pretty good juggling three balls towards the end. I stopped shortly after though because I was starting to get a tad bit sweaty, and well, that's just embarassing. Juggling shouldn't cause perspiration.

Saturday we did a lot of touristy stuff. We started out by driving around and seeing a few sites, the mountains look fucking awesome, by the way. We went to Hollywood Blvd. to see all of the stars, took pictures with a few of them even. This is where I started to finally be blown away by the fact that, "hey, I'm in fucking California. I'm walking on all these celebrity stars." I loved the way that there is so much going on in that little area. You bend over to tie your shoe and you get up and bump into fuckin spider-man squatting on a trash can.

So we saw all the stars, the Mann's Chinese Theatre with all the hand and foot prints, I even tooka picture with all these big pythons around me. It was awesome. All sorts of musicians, people dressed up as celebrities and superheroes. I would say the best were the breakdancers though, that was pretty awesome.

Then we went to all sorts of different places. We went to Rodeo Dr. and walked around to look at all the stores we could never afford to buy stuff in. We saw this place called Sprinkles. As did Cuban, I thought strip club immediately but turns out it was some fuckin cupcake shack. We were wondering why the line was out the door and halfway down the block and this really ritzy lady with her big fashiony sunglasses turns around and goes, "That's Sprinkles! Their cupcakes are Phenomenal. Phenomenal!" Right.

then we drove through homo-HQ a.k.a West Hollywood. You could definitely tell cause they had rainbow flags and every guy was wearing sunglasses, tight pants, and was just a little too light on his feet. Ya know. We then headed home to freshen up and decided to go out to this sort of amusement place. Kim didn't know where it was but that doesn't stop her, she's Kim god damnit.
We get there. And all I see is this big fuckin metal thing going up into the sky with shiny lights and shit on it. I wasn't afraid. I should've been afraid. So we went in, and got our little wrist band things, and started having fun. We played putt-putt golf, and well...you all know who won. I am the undisputed king of putt-putt. I have never been beaten. Suck my dick Tiger. Joy was rather rushed during this portion of the trip, always running to the next hole and whatnot. I actually thought she was having a bad time or was in a bad mood at the time, but apparently not.

Towards the end of this somehow me and Joy got into a little bit of a tiff, and kicking me in the face came into the mix. I told her she couldn't get her foot that high, knowing very well enough that she could, just poking fun and all. She did, and then I decided to show that I am the most athletic and flexible 270 pound man on the planet. I displayed a straight side kick that would make Chuck Norris shit his pants. Coincidentally I ripped the shit out of my pants. Everyone thought that was funny. But it wasn't.

How did I forget the ride?! That came before the putt-putt ass whooping. So, Kim really wants to ride this metal dragon, I'm very indifferent, and Joy and Cuban are both very against it. I had never been on any ride other than the gravitron, and I figure what the fuck, now is as good a time as any. Well after Carlos straps my balls against the little basket seat we're in six times we go up. Okay well holy shit. This is pretty crazy. And then the basket flips. Didn't know that was going to happen. So, I'm enjoying it at this point. Screaming like a bitch but enjoying it. Now we have to sit at the top of this thing in our little metal death basket (a couple hundred feet in the air) which was sort of cool cause you could see all over. Then the second time around you swing facing forward. Motherfucker. This is the most frightened I've ever been in my life. Not oh man this is cool scared sort of frightened. This was a genuine I'm going to either splatter on the ground all over those little children or fuckin fly off into the god damn desert sort of frightened. At one point my assed actually lifted off the seat. So I'd like to send a big fuck you to Carlos the ride operator. Next time cut off the circulation to my package for the love of fucking god. Your lucky I didn't smack the shit of you my good sir.

then we hopping the go karts, I walled a small black child, and passed Cuban. I also gave Kim a small case of whiplash as no one says that the brakes in these things are not gradual. You are going and then you are not. That's the end of the fuckin story. Then we went inside and played a few games here and there, I wanted to win Kim a stuffed animal of some sort. I had five tokens. I tried with machine #1 and I got fuckin robbed. I cursed at it and then moved on to the second machine. After inserting two coins like the first time I noticed the little tiny sign that says this one takes four coins. Cocksucker. Now if you will notice, 5-2=3. I only had three. I just dropped the third in there and was going to leave it at that. But the thing started lighting up and singing and shit so I guess someone must have done something similiar to what I did, and left me a coin. So I'm down to about ten seconds after trying to figure out what the fuck I want to pick up. I see this cow, back right corner. Yeah, your my bitch cow. Come to daddy. I got the cow, gave it to Kim, it was nice.

Sunday, April 2nd

Sunday, sunday, sunday! This is the big camping trip. We load up the supplies and head for the coast! We are camping in this place called Carpinteria. Nice place. We stopped there to eat pizza for lunch which was pretty good. Joy broke a toilet seat, became british, and pantsed me for absolutely no reason. Kim and Joy also decided to buy some temporary tattoos to later humiliate me with. How kind of them, no? then we headed out to the campsite, which was pretty. They didn't have grass, which was weird. The ground was covered with this weird plant that was like aloe vera almost, and it was as plentiful as grass. Very beautiful. The ocean was right behind the campsite so we went out there and hung out for a while, walked the beach, drew innapropriate things in the sand, that sort of thing. And apparently I'm the only one who doesn't enjoy having sand in all of their cracks and crevices. So everyone picked on me for that.

We had our "man" dogs, which are just really big hot dogs, they were pretty good. We spent the night just sort of around the fire talking and having a good time, and a little light drinking. The only real event was this guy came riding up to our campsite on his bike. So, he walks up to us, and he just stands there. Cuban asks, "Can I help you?" and he says no. This is where I start to tense up and ready myself to beat the shit out of this guy. He then mutters something that I couldn't really hear and gets on his bike and rides away. Wise choice.

Monday, April 3rd

Happy birthday Kim!!!! This is Kim's 29th birthday, and I think it turned out to be a pretty good one or at least I hope it did. We woke up to pouring rain so we decide to pack up and get the fuck out of dodge. We get home and shower up and everything and then decide to go get something to eat and catch a movie. We ate at a place called "Bj's" which was actually my kind of place. Just a burger kind of place, normal american food. I order this big ass burger and it was really awesome other than the fuckin deaf and dumb waiter who doesn't understand what plain means. The fries were the best I've ever had I think. Then we head for the theatre to catch a flick. Kim picks a movie called "Stay Alive." It's about these people playing a video game and if you die in the game you die in real life. It has Franky Muniz in it, so immediately I know we're fucked. It was corny, it wasn't scary, but it was all good cause I had the cute b-day girl on my arm. *smiley face*

Cuban and I also hopped on Xbox Live using Kim and Joy's accounts and tore some n00bs new assholes. It was pretty fun. Especially on the uber crisp, big, huge, wide screen tv in the living room. The girls had the mics while we played for them and they just talked trash. It was hilarious. It was a really cool chill night. We watched The Notebook which was actually a really good movie. Cuban and Joy went to bed early like the pussies they are and Kim and I stayed up and watched Kill Bill Volume 1. A pretty good flick actually, just a little weird though. Then Kim went to bed. I stayed up a little while longer as I had to write for a while. I wanted to let Kim and Joy know how much I appreciate them in every sense of the word. I wrote them both a letter. I cried a little bit while writing Kim's and then Joy came out and had to use the bathroom. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I couldn't hold it back any longer.

I cried like I've never cried before. I could hardly see to write the second one to Joy (sorry if they were hard to read guys) and after writing those I headed in to bed. I had a hard time sleeping knowing that tomorrow was the day that I leave these amazing people. Especially since I knew I wouldn't see Joy in the morning before we left since she had to go workout and then go to work then next day.

Tuesday, April 4th

I'm not going to write much about this day. I hate this day. I didn't even want to wake up when Kim got me up, because I knew I was leaving. The ride to the airport was rainy, silent, and took forever due to the traffic being terrible when it rains in LA. We finally got there and I hugged Kim and I think it took her a minute to realize that I wasn't going to let go until she did. I really didn't want to let go. I held myself together pretty well though, only let a few tears out and say goodbye and walked away. the rest doesn't really matter, fly, land, fly, land, drive home.

I'll post all the pics in a seperate blog right after this. Thanks for reading. Thank you especially to both Kim and Joy for inviting us out there for one of the best experiences of my life with the three greatest friends I could ever wish for.

Decisions, Decisions.

2006-04-05T21:29:00.000-05:00

What in the hell do I do you guys? Kim and Joy told me last night that they think it would be good for me to move out to L.A and live with them. That brings out choices to three.

1) Stay here and live with my dad.

This is last in the running. I think Kim is very right in all the reasons that she thinks leaving here would be good for me. I don't really have any positive reinforcement here, and I don't really have enough will power to push myself all of the time. She's always right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but that's just the way I've always been. My dad says he's going to get me glasses, get me my license, all of these things but he never does anything. It's all talk and it's really holding me back.

2) Move to Alabama to live with my mom.

This is a tough one. I know I have a job waiting for me. Not a good one, but it's better than what I've got now. I could work on getting my license, glasses, things like that. But I think that if I were to stay there that I wouldn't really have anywhere to go with it. Sure I'd have a job now, but that doesn't mean anything if I don't move on to better things and I don't know how I'd do that there. I would love to live with my mom again though, to not have to worry about her so much, to be able to help her out with her bills.

3) Move to Los Angeles with Kim and Joy.

This is the real wrench in the system. I think the trip to California was sort of an eye opener for me. Maybe I don't want to stay in Bay City for the rest of my life. Maybe I don't just want to make a decent living and settle down. I'm not saying I don't, or that that's the wrong way to think about life, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that there is much more to life than what I see when I step outside of my house. I want to see things, to experience things, that I never thought I would or that I never thought I could.

On the other hand, I'm very worried. I'm worried about how my family would react, because they were nowhere near supportive when my mom left despite how good it was for her. I know they'll be mad at me. I also know that I can't let that hold me back. I do know that I'll miss them, especially my nieces and nephews. I don't want them to grow up without me, without knowing who I am...that's a very painful thought to me.

I'm also afraid that I'll be more of a burden than they estimate. Everytime I've been moved I've worn out my welcome and been given the boot. My brother, my dad, my sister. I don't think they would do so without good reason, but it has happened before so it's something that scares me. I'm very afraid that somehow things will go sour and somehow I'll lose two of the best friends that I have in my life. I really can't imagine life without those two anymore.

There are a lot of little things that worry me as well. I don't eat much other than meat and potatoes. Joy is a vegan, and Kim it's from a different country every meal. I don't have a license, so I would rely on walking or Kim to get places. Their apartment is a really nice little two bedroom place, and I'm afraid that I'd be there crowding things up. I've done that many times before and it never turned out well. I'm guessing I'd just be sleeping out on their couch, or living room floor or something which isn't a problem for me, I've done many time in my life.

Then there is the big stuff. All my life when something gets hard, I give up. I tell myself that I can't do it, and I never will be able to and I quit on myself. I don't like it but it's what always seems to happen. What happens when I hit those downswings out there? What happens if I give up on myself out there? Maybe I don't know the power of having good friends with lots of positive reinforcement, but I don't know if it'll be enough to keep me from continuing to give up on myself.

What do I bring if I do choose to go? How do I get there? Obviously I bring clothes and things like that but...they don't have much room. Do I bring my computer? Game systems? I really don't know. I guess I really do worry too much, but this is a very big thing to me. I don't know what the right decision is, or if there even is a right decision.

Whatever I do, I hope you all will support me, I'll need all of the help I can get.

Home sweet home.

2006-04-04T23:33:00.000-05:00

Just got home from the trip to California. An amazing trip. My first airplane, first time to California. A lot of firsts were involved. I got up just as we needed to leave this morning, and traffic was c-r-a-z-y. It was just because it was raining out I guess, but it took us a long time to get to the airport, and we got to our gate just in time. I held back tears the whole ride pretty much, I even held them back for the most part when I said goodbye to Kim and hugged her. Heh, it took her a whlie to realize that if she didn't let go of me I would've stood there until the end of time just hugging her.

The flight from L.A to Minneapolis was pretty lackluster. It went pretty smoothly, even though I'm pretty sure my balls are still on the plane, lying in a pool of my sweat. Went by faster than the trip out to California though. Then we just hopped from Minneapolis to Flint Bishop (an hour and twenty minutes at the most) and lo and behold we were somewhere that I actually knew. As much as I hated leaving Kim and Joy, I have to admit that being home feels good. Familiar surroundings are the greatest comfort sometimes.

although it was short the flight into Flint was pretty anoying. I really don't think that plane was up to code guys. It was extraordinarily dirty to begin with. It smelled quite odd. And it was super fucking loud. I could actually feel the plane trying to climb up into the sky. Not to mention the middle-aged moms sitting behind us who thought they were still teenagers. They also liked to comment on the piloting of the plane. I have a philosophy when it comes to this. If I land in the correct destination, and I'm not dead or on fire, then the pilot is a damn good pilot. Please people, shut the fuck up about the pilot. You can't do better, so shut the fuck up.

I'm pretty sure my review copy of Tales of Phantasia didn't arrive here while I was gone either, which is lame because it's taking forever to get here. I think it might've gotten lost or something. gh3y.

Well, I'm going to be posting all of the juicy details of the trip once I get the pictures from Kim. I have to figure out how to post pictures on here as well. So stay tuned for all of that interesting stuff.

Now I've got to go say hi to my ladies (games) as they have missed me almost as much as I missed them.

My bad

2006-03-27T01:01:00.000-05:00

Yeah, well turns out this entire time that I thought no one was leaving me comments, they were just all awaiting my approval. Umm, so yeah...my bad. I had fifteen built up comments, nine of them from a certain Kyung Kim on my blog about the Trailblazer incident. It's quite funny to see the same message nine times.

It makes me gigle like a little girl.

*tee hee*

Thank you

2006-03-25T06:39:00.000-05:00

I think some people underestimate the impact that they have on the lives of others. Something as simple as a phone call can take someone from rock bottom to okay again in just that instant. I hope beyond all that there is to hope for that I will for the rest of my life be able to call you just such a friend...

I can't miss

2006-03-21T14:25:00.000-05:00

My mom and my sister were going to go out to lunch and to wal-mart and a few places today, I had been worn to a nub with all the people in my brother's house so I figure this is my chance for escape. I asked if she would let me come and then drop me off when they were done. I was gonna go to the library as well and pick up this book Joy told me that I should read; all about change and postivity and that shit I guess. My sister says, "Sarah we need you to move the Blazer....or if you give the keys to Kristopher I'm sure he'll be happy to move it." Cool, back out the Blazer, I can't drive but I can do people's backing out right? I mean, of course no one takes me out to fucking learn how to drive but I can back out like that's good fucking practice. I'm not twelve and moving a car fifteen feet doesn't give a grown man satisfaction.

I thought to myself for a bried second, "I hope it isn't parked up against the house or the fence, cause I'll probably fuckin smack into something." It's parked all the way back behind the house. No problem. Just move right, get in the middle of the driveway and keep it straight. Billions of people can do this and actualy do this everyday...

Scrape. Pop. Fuck.

My objective was to back a fucking trailblazer down a fifty foot driveway. I had to do two things.

1) Don't hit the big fuckin house to the left.
2)Don't hit the fence that runs the entire way down the driveway to the right.

Of course, I hit the fucking house. Scraped up the driver's side door, and the side of the house. The driver's side mirror popped off. This is the single most fucking disheartening, stressful, stupid god damn experience I've had in my life. How bad of a fuck up do you have to be to a nineteen year old, fully funtional adult and not yet be able to back a god damn car out of a driveway without hitting a house? It's things like this that reassure me that I should never own a gun.

I just put the money I was saving to pay Kim back (I'm very sorry) on the seat, which won't cover it because it was 24 dollars, and I got in my sister back seat and just tried not to cry before I got home. Of course I did. I just feel so worthless. "it's fine. shit happens. He's not mad. He'll get his insurance to pay for it. It's not your fault, it's because your eyes are so bad." These are just some of the fuckin stupid phrases my mom and sister spouted out while trying to make me feel better, as if I was a little kid who accidentally left their bike in the road and it got hit.

It's not fine. I don't care if Fred is pissed, although I know that he was...how could you not be? It's not because my eyes are bad; I'm not blind so I can obviously see the fucking house that is immediately to my right. I absolutely broked down when I got home. I've cried for about two straight hours now. I just can't get this out of my head. I feel so damn bad for so many reasons. Obviously I don't have the money to fully pay him back. I'm thinking of just selling some of my games or my game systems to see if I can come up with a few hundred bucks to pay for it.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Counting the Days

2006-03-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

I want to leave so badly. 11 more days. If I could fly out to California and wait there at the airport for the next 11 days I would do it. I just want to be there right now. I guess that really isn't quite right as I should be wishing to stay here and spend time with my mom, but putting up with Tom and Juanita puts such a fuckin damper on it that being here is really just a test of my will power. I'm probably gonna go home tomorrow at some point and just stay there until we go out to California.

So today I called the court to see about my jury duty as I was told to do by the little piece of paper they mailed me. So it says that I have to call back tomorrow morning between 11:00 and 11:30 and find out whether or not I have to be there at 1:00 in the afternoon tomorrow. Wow. That's fucking logic for you. So, I get about an hour to try to find a ride to the fuckin courthouse tomorrow if infact I do have to go in. I'd like to find the white-haired decrepit old cock swallower who is in charge of this shit and ram his own dick up his ass, pull it out his throat and beat his fuckin skull in with it; leaving him to lie in a pool of his own piss and blood to die of course.

Decided to just give up on going to the East Convention today. After reading all about the West Convention this weekend I was so geeked for it, but I really don't have any way to do it. It's June 16th I do believe, and the only way I'll have any money at all between now and then is if I get this god damn jury duty call in or I find a job. I figure I could ride down with Cuban and I don't think he'd mind me not paying for the part of the gas, I could sleep in the car to avoid paying for a room but I still don't have a way to give anything for the place they are renting todo the lan stuff at. I think the worst part is that I was so looking forward to meeting Goat and now that's not going to happen. Oh well I guess.

A full plate.

2006-03-20T01:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I'ev got a lot of things coming up, I'm just sort of sitting here (1:46 am) thinking about the next month or two and watching Gargoyles; one of the best cartoons to ever exist thank you very much.

March 20th - Got some Family coming down from Grand Rapids to visit with my mom while she's here, including the only cousin I have that I actually like...can't wait to see that motherfucker again.

March 21st - Jury Duty. On the one hand, I'm not looking forward to having to be the fuckin juror who has to wait for his ride to pick him up. But if I get picked, it's money in my pocket. We all know I need that.

March 31-April 4th - Flying to out Cali to visit Kim and Joy with Cuban (can't wait to fly for the first time)

My mom is here until like mid-April so hopefully I'll get to spend some more good time with her. I've been thinking a lot about moving back to Alabama with her, because I know there is a job waiting for me down there, but of course every pro has it's con. I don't know if it would be too much of a financial strain having me live with her or how much I'd be able to help with bills. God how I dream of the day that I can finally be able to take care of her the way she always took care of me. It kills me to hear her talk about how she doesn't have any furniture, how she has to watch a 9" television, how she has to buy the dog's their food and if she's lucky she can get herself something every couple days. It rips me apart like nothing I've felt before, but there is nothing I can do about it right now.

I'm also afraid I'd miss the broadband a little too much, heh. I wouldn't be able to play on Xbox Live with the LeMed crew anymore (shout out to the Suprgoat, you my boy) but then again that subscription ends in like...May I think? Gotta have money to renew that and I certainly don't have that. Of course I'd miss Cuban a lot too. I think that was what made me move back the first time, you never really understand how much that good of a friend means to you until you don't have it readily available. I'm an asshole sometimes Cuban but I love you like a brother.

Now, to pick back up with the busy'ness of my life right now. Reviews. My Super Mario Strikers review has just been posted finally at Snackbar, so I'll port it over to gamersoasis when I'm feeling more ambitious, probably next time I'm at home. Not gonna post it here cause I'm not particularly fond of the way it came out, but you can peep it at either of those sites. I've got my Fight Night Round 3 review due in about two weeks which should be no problem; I just need to start doing more of my career and get it finished rather than playing online with it. I've got a review copy of Tales of Phantasia for the GameBoy Advance coming my way, it's getting mailed tomorrow so it should be here within a week or so. I'm gonna have to borrow Sarah's GBA to do it but she'll be cool with it I'm sure since she hasn't touched the damn thing in ages.

I've also got my Final Fantasy XII preview, that's right, PRE-view awaiting approvale. It'll be the first time I've done a preview so I think it'll be pretty sweet, a nice change at the least. I've also got to find time to finish up Doom 3 and get it the fuck out of the way so I can concentrate on getting some of my newer games worked on.

Sarah cooked today so my mom wouldn't have to, Fried pork chops and fried potatoes. Good shit but the potatoes, no one can make them like my moms but I took one for the team tonight. Of course I did the dishes because Juanita is a lazy piece of shit and Tom wouldn't touch a fuckin dish to save his life, Fred was too busy playing his fuckin racing bullshit, and my mom cooks all the time, she shouldn't have to do the dishes the one night she doesn't have to cook. It was actually kind of nice though, threw the iPod on and just sort of zenned out. That's what I like about cleaning, it's sort of therapeutic in a way.

Well, I've babbled on far too long now, and I'm sure you've stopped reading this about two paragraphs up. I'm gonna play about an hour's worth of Fight Night and try to get some sleep and have a decent sleep schedule before I go to Cali. I'm hoping to get up around 10 tomorrow and really get some good hours in on some games tomorrow. Sounds pathetic but the more I think of my reviews as a "job" the more sane it helps me to keep.

Been a few days...

2006-03-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

But not a whole lot has happened. I've been high for the better part of the last four days, which is quite fantastic in my humble opinion.

I completely forgot where I was going with that, as Kim just called me. I guess they just got to San Francisco and dropped their things off at the hotel. Now they're headed to CornBaller's place to get something to eat. She sounded pretty excited and she called just to wish me a Happy St. Patrick's Day. It feels really good to have someone that is as good a friend as Kim. Someone who thinks of me for little things like that; makes me feel less like I'm just forgotten by everyone.

Also, she is a big fan of Nanny 911 (which I am currently watching) and I am her "tender heart carebear". Right.

Just been playing around on Xbox Live the last few days while I've been home and not at my brother's. I woke up today to my brother banging on my door, and then he wonders why I'm in a bad mood? Fuckin genius. My mom came home to pick up some clothes and shit and I was gonna go back over there tonight but Steve said he's got some killer shit coming in tonight so I'm gonna go out with him and Johnson in a little bit here and then pack up and head to Fred's house tomorrow morning at some point. Drop off a few applications on the way I guess, seems like I might as well just drop them off in the fuckin trash, they don't seem to do anything for me.

I should be over there, I should want to be over there, but I just don't. I've had such a bad mood going for the last few days that I really don't think I would be able to hold my tongue while I'm over there. I just know Tom and/or Juanita are going to spout off some of their fuckin strong arm bullshit and I'm gonna snap; and then I'm going to snap Tom's fuckin lower mandible right off of the front of his sorry fucking skull.

"Tomorrow morning, we crank it out!"

2006-03-14T00:18:00.000-05:00

Only the hardcore ATHF fans will know what that's about. And don't ask cause I'm not telling.

Today was...a day to say the least. Fred wouldn't cough up Fight Night so he sat on the fuckin xbox all day. I know it shouldn't bother me, but watching some people play video games makes me want to smack them. He's in career mode and he throws nothing but haymakers to the right..and he wins every god damn time! I just want to smack him and tell him to use his fuckin jab once in a while. I can't wait to get a little better at that shit and start playing online. I'm gonna mess some people up.

Had another of those most beloved 'job incidents' today. It was a double header. I guess I'm not really trying to get a job, I too thoroughly enjoy living in my dad's house with next to nothing, no job, money, car, or freedom. That sort of eff'd my day up but I guess I could've taken it a bit more graciously as well. I'm gonna grab some apps tomorrow more than likely with my mom, trying or not.

Speaking of which, my mom got here tonight! Around 9-10 somewhere in there. I played it down of course, just sat where I was playing fight night and let her come in and stuff, gave her a hug...I was very happy to see her but I have never been one to outwardly show a whole lot of emotion; that a good or bad thing? She's here anyways, along with her dogs. Ziggy is going to be staying here at my dad's house with me when my mom leaves, but she also brought Foxy and "Thumbelina"...Yeah I know the name is fuckin stupid but the dog has turned out very very cool nonetheless. Just another instance of my mom being completely unselfish. She found the dog beaten and dying on the side of the road, took it to the vet with her grocery money and somehow managed to keep her alive and she is starting to look like a really healthy pup. She's gonna be a big one though as she's mostly Collie.

Quiet time for me now! Everyone is in bed and there aren't two tv's on max volume, no kids running around beating each other up, no cat vs. dog nonsense...just Kris time.

"shake your up next with your knock-knock".

Knock Outs and Home comings

2006-03-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been at my brother's since yesterday. I"ll be here a lot over the next month and a half or so, as my mom will be arriving here from Alabama sometime tomorrow. I've missed her more than I ever thought I would, so I'm really looking forward to it. I am sure Tom and Juanita will find a way to fuck things up not too long after, though. I just hope they are smart enough to let this just be a good family visit and don't try to strong arm my mom into moving back up here Tom's gonna get knocked the fuck out. I think he knows that, which would explain why they never seem to bring those subjects up when I'm around.

Played a lot of Fight Night Round 3 the last few days. Amazing game! I played with my brother for an hour or two, I really miss when we used to do that all the time. I remember being a kid and how my brother was just really a superhero; I guess that still sort of holds true. I think this visit is going to be a really great thing for me, along with the trip out to L.A. to see Joy and Kim which can't come soon enough. Maybe this is karma telling me to keep trying to change myself and to be a better person, I guess we'll find out.

Don't look back in anger

2006-03-10T18:35:00.000-05:00

Today has been just, a day that can't be described with words. It just been the worst, demoralizing, depressed, blur of a day I can ever remember having. There's no reasoning for it even, I just seem to fuck everything up today. I made Kim mad via my own stupidity, I have a bit of a head cold and my hands have been frozen all day. I just want to lie here in the dark, listen to sad music and fuckin die. I'm thinking about going to McDonald's and begging Mark for my job there back. Maybe he'll pick up on the sincerity of my desperation right now. I don't think it'd work but I just feel so damn useless right now that I don't know how much longer I can take living the way I have been the last few months.

I feel like the biggest dissapointment fucking ever.

Trying to change

2006-03-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

"I added another blog by a friend of mine under the “Friend’s Blogs” section in the sidebar. I don’t care what he claims his real name is, he’s Myth as far as I’m concerned. He’s a great guy that has a lot of potential – if he’d ever figure out just what he wants to do. Hope to hear from you on here buddy." -Butch

That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

That prompts me to think (as if I don't already do this 24/7) about what exactly I am going to do with my life. I just don't know. Right now I'm pretty occupied with trying to find a job and getting reviews churned out for Snackbar. I'm in a very different part of my life right now, since meeting Kim and Joy I've really started to think that I need to change. I can like this forever. But I just don't know where to start.

I don't know how people like you do it Butch. You have a good job, great wife, a home, everything is just so right for some people. Not so say you didn't earn every bit of it through hardwork. I guess I just sometimes think I'm not strong enough to follow through and become anything. I always think "I'm not smart enough to go to college for zoology" or other things along those lines. I want to be great, I want to be something everyone can be proud of, I can feel that inside of me, I just don't know how to stop my mind from holding me back.

I will be something. I won't be a drunk mechanic like every single male in my family, I will be the first VanHaaren to go to college. I will be the first VanHaaren to become a college graduate. That's a promise to all of you who have helped me along the way to keep going.

Alright, enough of the sappy shit. You guys don't want to read that I'm sure. Well, last night we had the Midweek Massacre. For those of you who don't know that is a weekly set of games that I and some of my other Halo 2 clan members (shout out to the LeMed family) play on Wednesdays. me and Goat got paired up and surely didn't win but had a lot of fun. We got near the end and his little girl started projectile vomiting while holding a heating pad. As she held the heating pad running for the bathroom, she ran out of cord. She slipped and fell in it. It was hilarious to hear Goat explain the whole thing. Good times.

Also went over to J-lo's house last night (a good friend of mine, Justin Lintz, not the crazy mexican with the big ass) and played around on his 360 for a while. While I've not yet felt the urge to have a 360 last night changed that. Everything was pretty mediocre up until we got to Condemned. A very atmospheric game, make you jump straight out of your fuckin chair. And the real jewel was the Fight Night Round 3 demo. I played that at least 10 times. It looks better than real boxing looks on a tv. And on top of that it's gameplay is more than addicting.

I need to find a job. Pronto.

Black Review inside!

2006-03-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. So it's 1:25 P.M. on Monday, March 6th and I'm as annoyingly and endlessly bored as I have ever been in my 19 years of life. I don't want to clean the bathroom like I had planned, I don't want to sit on this computer, I don't want to play Doom 3 or anything else for that matter. All I want right now is some good ole' human interaction. Too bad that won't be happening. You ever get a day like this? All you want to do is talk to someone?

I've still got the entire month to go before me and Cuban go out to LA. It's going to be a long, agonizing month. *sad face*

Black review was posted yesterday, which is suprisingly fast but I guess Snowcone doesn't fuck around when he proofs stuff like the last dude did. And of course the game that is mediocre is the game that Piniata thinks is the best FPS of all fucking time. Dumbass fifteen year old european kid...

Black

Black is the latest title to be released by the up and coming developer Criterion Games. Since its initial announcement Black has been hyped to the fullest extent as what was to be an almost revolutionary FPS that focuses on 100% action 100% of the time. The compromise, however, is extremely destructible environments and intense firefights in a single player arena in exchange for good story and any sort of multiplayer options. That is exactly what you get with Black; whether or not that is a good thing I'm still not sure.

Black is visually stunning. Everything from the textures, to the lighting, to the dust and smoke effects are absolutely top notch. The environments in Black are big and full with a good amount of attention to detail everywhere you look. That being said, they look even better when you blow them to pieces. Perhaps the most impressive graphical aspect is that every bullet leaves a mark. When you shoot a wall, you leave a mark in it and that mark actually stays there. When in a firefight your shots will kick up dust and spit debris into the air when they hit dirt or walls which really helps to make things even more hectic.

On par with the visuals of Black is the audio. The music is very well done by an orchestra that definitely knows what they are doing. If you have a decent surround sound setup you'll be able to wake up the neighborhood with the explosions throughout this title. The weapons also sound very real and powerful. When you are crouched behind a concrete wall, or what's left of one, you will actually hear the enemy bullets chipping away at your sides. Of course the baddies will be yelling "grenada" every time you chuck a 'nade at them and will be shouting out the same handful of phrases at you throughout the game, although I suppose that is to be expected by now.

The gameplay in Black is precisely what Criterion has promised us all along. The game is all about big explosions, lots of ammo, and blasting wave after wave of enemies. The controls are easy to pick up and play and despite the absolute lack of story Black has a Hollywood quality presentation. The weapons in Black are, more than any game I've played, very fun to shoot. It's a feeling somewhat similar to shooting an actual gun; the weapons in Black feel that powerful. This is a great thing since you will be gunning your way through hundreds of brain dead baddies in every level. The game gets repetitive very quickly which actually makes Black feel a little bit longer than it really is. A veteran FPS'er will polish this one off in 6-8 hours and probably no more than 10 hours for the less experienced.

While I understand that Criterion was very focused on delivering the single player experience they wanted I can't help but to wonder why we can't have the pretty sights and sounds of Black and have a coherent story and a little more depth in gameplay. As I said the game is short and you won't be coming back a second time due to the repetitive gameplay and the fact that there are no extras or unlockables save for the harder difficulty. This game is the epitome of a "rent but don't buy" title. Black comes out gunning but gets boring real quickly. Beauty is only skin deep and Black is a busty blonde with no personality.

-Kris VanHaaren

Duets - The Final Chapters

2006-03-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

Alright well it's for sure that we're going to California now. March 31st until April 4th I think? Something like that. Going camping for Kim's birthday, which should be sweet. I was worried about getting a job before then but when I turned in the application at the gas station the dumb bitch behind the counter just looked at me with that consolation prize smile and said "thank you".

I downloaded the latest Notorious B.I.G yesterday before I went to Cuban's yesterday and I've been listening to it since I got home last night. It sucks to know that it's the last cd we'll ever get from Biggie but it's just so damn good. One of the best whole cd's I've ever heard.

So, I went to sleep at like 9 last night. I was gonna hit the weed spot with Johnson and Steve but I was just too fuckin tired to stay awake. I did wake up at about 5:30 this morning just feeling fresh as can be. I wrote up my Black review (all of my reviews can be found at www.snackbar-games.com you just need to go to the reviews section and find anything written by "Mythological") and the feedback so far has been really good. I wasn't all that impressed when I was reading it and sending it in but everyone says it's really good, one of the best I've done so I guess that's what my opinion counts for.

I also started Super Mario Strikers today. It's just soo fuckin awesome to be getting free games from snackbar. SMS is a pretty good game, a little simple and it doesn't have the mini games and off shoots that make most of the other Mario sports games great but it's still pretty good. That should be a quick one, I'll probably be reviewing it within a week or so. I need to start finishing some of my god damn games is what I need to do. I've hardly touched Dragon Quest VIII and I've got like 10 or so others that I own and have to beat still.

I'll post that Black review in here once it gets posted at Snackbar because I didn't bother to proofread very carefully before I sent it in, hell that's what they have an editor for right? Who am I to take his job...

California

2006-03-03T01:15:00.000-05:00

Alright well. Interesting. Me and Cuban are going to be going to California to visit Kim and Joy.I feel pretty shitty that they're paying for me to come out there, but hopefully one of these applications is gonna work out and I'll get a job and can start paying them back. I'm very geeked about the whole thing, especially flying. I just hope everything in California isn't how it looks on Laguna Beach, cause I'll fuckin kill the entire state.

I'm also sort of afraid that I'm gonna actually finally get a job and that will interfere with going out there, but I'm definitely not gonna stay here while Cuban goes out there. That'd pretty much rip me apart.

Finished Black tonight, rather decided I was finished with Black. I was a mission or two from beating it and the repitiveness just made me take it out of my Xbox. Not bad but certainly not what it was supposed to be. And I wrote those three questions last night, and didn't do a damn thing with them today.

Edit: Alright, so Kim called me last night, and the questions were not made in vain. Still no idea how to talk to women, in general, especially on the phone. Leave it to me to take a perfectly normal thing and make it akward. Le sigh.

Also learned that when we go out to California (if we go out there, still waiting on the official word from Cuban's boss today) that we're going camping. But not in the desert! Honestly, who camps in the fuckin desert? It just doesn't sound right at all. I guess they are going to try to find somewhere near to the ocean to camp, which I bet will be awesome.

You know, the only flaw I've found thus far with having this journal online is that, well, there are some things that really can't be written here. Oh well, maybe some things aren't meant to be spoken.

2006-03-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

Right. Well. I've been at my brother's the last few days which is why I haven't written here since last week. I don't like doing any writing there cause it seems like there is always someone over my should trying to see what's being written. Not a big fan of that.

Heh, it was a good deal, me and Sarah got blown out pretty much the entire time I was there as always, didn't really do much while I was there just visited and watched some tv and shit like that. I know I'm not supposed to play favorites but Ashley is most definitely my favorite little niece in the world. Not to say I don't love Taylor and Paige just the same, but Taylor has a terrible attitude and Paige is too little to know very well yet. I think that they are a big part of what keeps me around along with Izaak and Eathen. I just couldn't imagine watching them growing up and not knowing me, that'd crush me.

Kim called me last night! *very happy smiley face* I was pretty suprised to hear my phone ring at around midnight and I just figured it was Johnson asking if I wanted to go smoke down with him and Steve cause well...that's the only person who calls me at midnight and that is the only reason he calls,lol. But it was Kim, much much better. Talked for a while actually, it was pretty fantastic.

I'm really hoping that the Super Mario Strikers review copy gets here today or tomorrow. Snowcone said it should be here by friday and well, I hope it is cause I want get a couple of newer reviews in to him just so he remembers who tops reviewer is at snackbar. Piniata might churn out 2-4 a week but they are utter shit. I rented Black last night so I will have that beat either today or tomorrow, which will be perfect if SMS comes this week I can just write up the Black review and get right into SMS and have the done next week more than likely.

Speechless

2006-02-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

Today just got worse. But I just wrote something I actually like. I love it actually. I feel a lot of bad things on the horizon right now, I think maybe all the good stuff is over now for a while.

Suddenly

I think I underestimated what was happening
I'm pretty sure that those were the happiest times I'll ever see
I didn't feel so unwanted, alone, unloved
Almost like I belonged for a few short days
I wish I could go back in time
And remain suspended there
To live in those moments until I'm old and grey
Just to be happy forever
But it's gone now, just a memory
And no one remembers forever...

Frustrated

2006-02-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

Today has not been the best of days. Nothing has really even set me off to make this day as shitty as it is, I think maybe it's just the start of a downswing right now so I guess I should get ready for the next week or so to completely suck.

I got a new binder type deal last night (among other things acquired in the great Wal-Mart journey me and Cuban had last night) because I want to start writing again, and writing more frequently. I had a few good ideas while I was just sitting here listening to music last night, so I decided to start working on this poem and it was the hardest time I've ever had writing in my life. I think maybe I've just lost the "it" or whatever you would like to call it. Maybe I just don't have it in me to write poetry anymore, I hope it's just today, but I doubt it. I was pretty happy with this binder, looks nice and all, but once I got all my papers and shit in it the little rings in the middle must be fucked up or something because it's a god damn chore just to turn a page in the thing. I guess since I've only written one piece it shouldn't be much of a problem yet.

Here's the piece of crap I churned out today:

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if anyone is like me
If this is how life is supposed to be
Should it be this hard to get through each day
Is it really that hard to come 'round my way

Sometimes I wonder if this shit is normal
My whole life takes place in this room, caged like an animal
Should my social interaction come from this fuckin screen
I can't be normal, the way I keep the real me unseen

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can last
My resolve and perseverance are fading quite fast
Maybe this tunnel will bring me to the light
Maybe one day I could be normal like everyone else, I just might.

Yeah. I wasted at least an hour on that. Sweet.

What the hell am I doing?

2006-02-22T13:28:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I guess this is just another facet of this whole "positivity and change" kick that I've been on as of late. Figured I haven't written in a long time, not even a review in at least a month, so I'd have to find new ways to get myself involved in writing. Plus I guess I can rant and rave like all the 12 year old kids with their livejournals so hey why the fuck not?

Yeah, so it's pretty basic right now. Maybe I can figure out how to add cool stuff and make this thing prettier and then everyone will like me.

...right?